Of the Meeting of Foot and Mouth
by angelofplottwists
Summary: Marauder mayhem, makeup, breakups, chocolate miracle cures, and of course, slash. Written for jerseygirl of The Miss Marauders.


**Prompt was:**_ Okay, so it must be quite long, if only a one-shot. No 100-word thingies!  
It has to be R/S, and two other pairings.  
Harry never exists.  
No cross-gen.  
Snape cannot appear anywhere.  
Lily has to say something stupid somewhere, and Sirius has to say, in reply to it, "Wow, that's lamer than I could come up with."  
It cannot begin R/S. They have to get together somewhere.  
There has to be something insane in it. Just general craziness.  
It has to be fluffy at least once, and slightly or more-than-slightly humorous. It can be angsty if you like.  
No main-character deaths. You can kill off anyone you don't like in it.  
At least one break-up but not between R&S.  
Chocolate must become the solution to all problems. I mean all. Anything from Global Warming to the flu virus.  
Someone--even if it is just a random person they meet--must have a daughter called Sophy. Yes. Sophy. Spelt like that. I know it looks silly.  
Peter has to say something, just once, and it can't be mean or stupid.  
It has to be set in their 7th year._

_for jerseyprincess (aka part of The Miss Marauders)_

_not at all mine. Not even the plot. JKR, Warner Bros, and Cazzy._

_expect further chapters. Eventually. (insert evil laughter here.)_

* * *

"Padfoot! PADFOOT! I MUST TELL YOU SOMETHING ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUUUUUL!"

So-called 'Padfoot', better known as Sirius Black, had been sitting with friends and fellow wizards Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin, the latter of whom he was playing chess with.. Immediately following aforementioned shriek, a large blur flew through the air, and when the dust cleared, Sirius was five feet or so away from his previous position. An exuberant James Potter was attempting to rise and brush himself off while quite literally jumping for joy.

"McGonagall's pregnant and unable to assign homework?" guessed Peter.

"You've found a miracle cure for hopeless hair!" Sirius cried at the same time.

"Lily's finally agreed to date him," Remus told them. James stared.

"How did you-"

"Now James," Remus mock-chided him, "that would be telling, eh?" He raised waggled his eyebrows mysteriously and returned to tidying up the scattered chess pieces. "And also, I've told you – chocolate is a miracle cure for anything. If only James wasn't allergic!"

"I'd rather have messy hair than stomach troubles," James grumbled.

"_We'd_ rather you had messy hair than stomach troubles," retorted the others in what may have been unison. Perhaps not.

"But Lily agreed to date you?" demanded Sirius. "That's bloody amazing! How'd you do it?"

"Chocolate," Remus murmured. The others glared at him. "What? If James had used chocolate, she might have been his years ago."

"Moony," Peter kindly told him, "chocolate is an extraordinary substance, but you must remember the Attempt in third year, culminating in…"

"I still have nightmares!" James cried. "Don't say it!"

"A miscalculation," Remus told them loftily.

"Moony, shut it," Sirius cut in.

"Please do," added James, who was slightly put out by the fact that the focus of the conversation had gone from his romantic conquest to Moony's chocolate obsession in so few sentences.

"Well, congratulations, mate," Peter said with the straightest of all straight faces, only manageable by one whose face was as honest as his. Remus and Sirius simply nodded solemnly, chocolate forgotten. At least, by Sirius. The werewolf would never have chocolate off of his mind. Hell, Remus probably thought of chocolate while he _wanked_.

Actually, James wouldn't be surprised if he did. Although he didn't really want to think about that…

But there was gloating to be done (completely internally, of course) and praise to be accepted, so he had plenty to occupy him.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Sirius, of course, was pleased for his friend. Granted, he knew that James was now utterly Lily's man, but at least he wouldn't be dragging them off to stalk ("Observing," James would call it irritably, "not stalking!") the object of five years or so of obsession.

Of course, Sirius had had a few girlfriends in the past (well, all right, just one). He had no idea why James was so obsessed about this one. Maybe it was simply magnitude of affection. Sirius hadn't really been that enamoured, and she had drifted off to the arms of another after a while. He wasn't altogether unhappy with the outcome.

Especially since he had as much fun without one.

Still, there had to be some fun to get out of this one. Their first date _had_ to be pranked, of course. There was no possible way to escape that. Possible revenge for Sirius' first date, which had resulted in a rather miffed girl. Funny now, of course, but mortifying at the time. This would be priceless.

Now, to get Remus and Peter in on it…

-------------------------------------------------------------

"I wanted to talk to all three of you before I go," James said in his No-Nonsense voice. The effect of this was, of course, incredibly hilarious, but they all managed to keep a straight face. "This has been my life's goal for years and none of you are to ruin my dream. Understand? No pranks!"

"Why, Prongs! How could you think so low of us?" Peter demanded, a hurt look on his face.

"Hey, good idea," Remus began. James shot a Death Glare in his direction, which was nearly as comic as the No-Nonsense voice. The werewolf exchanged a mirthful glance with Sirius, and they almost lost control and laughed.

"I assure you, dear Prongs, that Wormtail and I will keep Moony in check, and we shall most certainly leave you and your fair lady alone."

James raised his eyebrows, resembling McGonagall for a scary moment. "That didn't sound at all sincere," he said icily.

"I am as sincere as the falling snow!" protested Sirius.

"He is, at that," added Peter.

"Is this the face of one to destroy your life's meaning?" demanded Remus.

"Yes," replied James, "but obviously that's all I'll get."

"We promise not to do anything at all to turn Lily away," Remus assured him. James simply sighed and left. A few moments passed, and then they simultaneously burst into peals of unrivalled laughter.


End file.
